


If I'm to die

by Crying_ram



Series: Letters and everything I never said [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Be careful with this fic please, Drabble, Everyone besides John is really only mentioned, F/M, Heavy Angst, Heavy topics, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 08:06:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14304399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crying_ram/pseuds/Crying_ram
Summary: 'The truth is, I'm simply disappearing, and maybe I'm already gone. Maybe I have been for years now and have just now realized it. Whatever the case, I'm sure you can understand where I'm coming from.I just don't want to feel so alone anymore. I'm tired of living.'-John writes Alex a very important letter.





	If I'm to die

**Author's Note:**

> TW:IMPLIED SUICIDE. SUICIDAL THOUGHTS + IMPLIED SELF HARM.  
> this is heavy y'all please be wary of that.  
> Title from if I'm to die by Keaton Henson. Give it a listen.  
> (this is kind of a vent fic I'm sorry)

 My dearest Hamilton, 

Writing a letter probably seems strange. We're in the 21st century, after all, and here I am, scribbling words down onto a paper when I could just be typing them up on a laptop, like a normal, efficient human being. Guess you and your flowery writing are rubbing off on me, you heathen. 

(I like you and your flowery writing, though, so I guess it doesn't matter all that much.)

  
This is hard, I really don't know how you do it. Though, really, I don't know how you do most things. You're wonderful, truly, so full of passion and drive, so willing to fight for whatever it is that you want. 

  
I know that you're aware that I love you. I know you love me back. I know that you're also in love with Eliza, and really, I can't blame you. She's beautiful and a literal angel, I would do anything that girl asked me to, and I'm sure you would, too.   
I have never thought highly of myself. Maybe it's because of my dad, maybe it's because mom's dead, I don't know. I don't know.   
But I'm tired of feeling like a disappointment. I don't have a real reason to exist, I just whine and complain and take up space and I'm afraid everyone is tired of me, the same way that I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of never being enough, of spending nights staying up wondering if I could have somehow done more.   
If I could have somehow been more.

I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere, and maybe it'd just be better if I left this Earth entirely. Who would really care? Life would continue on, the world would keep spinning, and maybe I'd finally be at peace. Maybe my brain would finally be quiet, stop reminding me of the many mistakes I have made, the multiple ways in which I am nothing but a failure.

You once said to me that you loved every part of me that there was to love, that you loved my freckles and my messy hair and tired eyes. You told me you even loved the broken lines littering my skin, but to me these scars are only cruel reminders that I could not be strong enough, that I spent years trying to be something I wasn't and still kept messing up over and over again. I don't think I'll stop messing up, and I don't think you'll mind it so much when I'm gone. 

The truth is, I'm simply disappearing, and maybe I'm already gone. Maybe I have been for years now and have just now realized it. Whatever the case, I'm sure you can understand where I'm coming from. 

I just don't want to feel so alone anymore. I'm tired of living. 

You're so beautiful, Alex, even when it's 3 am and there are dark circles under your eyes, even when your hair's a mess early in the morning, especially when you have fire in your eyes, when you're getting ready to talk your head off.   
I'm so, so tired, the kind of tired sleep could never hope to fix,So I'll make it easy for you. Don't think too much about it. Don't go in my room. Call the police, call an ambulance if you want, it won't make a difference.

 Tell our friends I'm sorry. Tell them I didn't earn their respect. 

Tell them I'll miss them, that I love them even though it might not seem like it.  
I hope this makes everything easier for you. I hope you love Eliza until your heart bursts open, I hope you live a full life, that you get to be happy and leave a mark on this world like you wanted to.

I hope you can somehow find it in your heart to forgive me.

 I love you, more than anything and anyone, more than my words could ever express, more than this world could have ever contained.   
I hope you can let this go, that this will be enough. 

Maybe in some other life, in another time, we'll finally get it right. 

Yours forever,   
John 


End file.
